Abandonment.

My therapist says I can’t keep using dark humor as a coping mechanism and I have to work through my issues. **insert eye roll here** This week in therapy, I’m exploring the root cause of my abandonment issues. Apparently, normal people are needy and insecure. I don’t think normal people have been through the amount of trauma I have. Domestic abuse, divorce, death of a parent, death of a sibling, working in healthcare through a pandemic, chronic illness, eating disorders…the list just keeps going. I guess I should start unpacking all this…

Divorce.

Honestly, I am finally past this part of my life. I truly forgive him for everything and I finally feel like we’re at a good place. We get along. We’re able to coparent together. We’re on the same page when it comes to Odin. I get along with his wife and kids. I actually credit his middle child for healing our situation. The kid loves me. And I love him. I love both of their kids. But that middle one brought us all together, and I am so thankful for him. 

Death. 

Now this one is a little harder to cope with. For a long time,  I blamed myself for my dad’s death. I’m a nurse. I wasn’t there to do CPR. He could’ve survived if he had oxygen. They said his heart could’ve been fixed. He complained about reflux and shoulder pain the morning he had his MI. But he always had left shoulder pain. He had always been athletic and always had left shoulder pain. He was left handed. As for the reflux, he had spaghetti for dinner the night before. Marinara always made him sick. The signs were there, but they were also masked by normalcy. I also remember being young and having a feeling that I was going to lose my dad, at a young age, to a heart attack. I never told anyone that. Maybe if I would’ve said something, we could’ve watched for the signs. He was my hero. Losing him was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. But I now understand that his death is not my fault. It was his time. When God calls you home, you go. You don’t really get a say in the matter. I know Ol’ Jim wouldn’t want me being a sad sack. I want to carry on his legacy. I want people to see the best parts of him in me. 

More death. 

Six months after losing dad, we lost Jenna Jo in car wreck. I remember my mom calling to tell me she was killed. What’s the first thing I asked? “Yeah, but is she ok?” Looking back on it, it’s silly. Why would I ask that? I guess I didn’t want to believe it. We just lost dad, still processing everything there, and Jo dies too?? Didn’t seem fair. We’re good people. Christians. God fearing people. We take care of others. We do good things in the community. Why were we being punished? I didn’t blame her death on myself, but I did feel robbed. Out of all 8 of us Davis kids, Jenna is the only one who truly knew what she wanted out of life. She had a rough start. We got her through foster care when she was four years old. She cussed like a sailor and acted more like a feral raccoon. She went through times of deep depression, but she always made it through with a smile on her face. She’s the kind of kid who could light up a room. She was kind to everyone, and didn’t know a stranger. There isn’t a day that goes by where she doesn’t cross my mind multiple times. I feel like there’s part of our relationship that remains unfinished. 

Covid. 

My pandemic started in April 2019 when I lost my dad. I kept to myself. I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be around anyone. My relationships suffered with family and friends. I remember in early March 2020, I met a new guy and decided to really try dating again for the first time after divorce. I had been out with guys but at that point, I had only wanted attention. I went on maybe 2 or 3 dates with this guy before the world shut down. I thought I was ready. Then I pushed him away. Then I got upset because he didn’t want me anymore. Then I cried, blamed myself for everything, and repeated this toxic act a few more times. Thanks to Covid, I’ve been able to spend a lot of time alone and reflect on all my shortcomings. I got really depressed during 2020. I was already grieving my family, it sucked to grieve my social life too. But like all survivors, I made it through the pandemic with the help of Joe Exotic and alcohol. 

My most recent issue…the breakup. 

Looking back, I was an idiot through the whole situationship. He had a red flag flying over him and I was color blind. It wasn’t all bad though. He taught me a lot about myself. He’s the first man to actually acknowledge my intelligence. He didn’t just see me as big butt and a gorgeous face. Or at least he never made me feel that way. I know I did a lot of things wrong during that time, and I take full responsibility for them. But I grew a lot too. I was able to break through the grief of losing my dad, and start celebrating him. I found a new love for hockey and cats. He taught me how to mince garlic. He’s the first man I’ve ever cooked for. He really brought me out of my shell. I was really sad when things ended, but now I am thankful for the time we had. 

In conclusion…

No one is around forever. It’s impossible. Things change every day. I can’t stop people from dying. I can’t make people stick around. But what I can do is take care of me. I need to stop being so self conscious and stop worrying about what others think. I just need to ride the wave and see where life takes me. As long as I be myself and show people who I really am, I will attract the right ones and they won’t want to leave. I just need to focus on being happy and living life to its fullest before I leave this planet. I know whatever is meant for me, will come to me at the perfect time.