New Words & New Feelings.

​Gaslighting- a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victims mind. 


I have spent the last year+ dating a man who made me feel beautiful, confident, and intelligent. He’d send flowers. He’d take me out. He’d learn to cook foods that accommodate my very needy diet. He even said we could take my special needs brother in if something were to happen to my mom. We talked about owning an alpaca farm and a food truck. For the first time in a very long time, I wasn’t worried about the future. I was certain he was going to be around for awhile. I was secure in our relationship. I trusted him. 


Things started changing about a month before we were to take a vacation. He was acting weird. Things just seemed off. I’d ask him about things, he’d convince me I was just being insecure. Fast forward to our long weekend away. He took me six hours from home to tell me everything was all in my mind, that he never said we were exclusive. Said he’d never marry me, that I was just around for a good time, and I had ruined everything. I was devastated and humiliated. We drove home together, awkwardly. I tried to talk about things, he’d shut down the conversation. He eventually agreed to meet me in a month, talk about things, and exchange items we had of each others. The next day, he said all that was a lie to shut me up and he never wanted to talk to me again. I immediately blocked him on everything. Done. Completely done. I had never felt so disrespected. 


I brought the issue to my therapist. I like to learn from my mistakes, and if I did something wrong I want to be able to fix it for the future. That’s when she taught me about gaslighting. It all started to make sense. I hadn’t done anything wrong (aside from maybe tasting a little too much moonshine and running my mouth after my feelings were hurt). But as far as the relationship, I did everything right. I was open and honest. I treated him well. He’s the one with the issues. He gaslit me. He made me believe we were great, then told me I was mentally unstable and it was all in my mind. She blew my mind. I never would’ve seen the situation that way. He made me blame myself for all the issues. He convinced me it was all in my mind. He was lying to me. He was discrediting my feelings. He was making me feel less than. He was making me insecure. I am far from perfect, I have more issues than Vogue, but this failed relationship is not on me. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted. I honestly thought I was the problem. Guess what, Taylor Swift? I’m not the problem. It’s not me. At least not this time. 


I still have nothing but love for this man, for whatever reason, but I would never try to have another relationship with him after that. He did bring me out of a very dark time in my life. He showed I am able to love again. He showed me how to not take myself too seriously and have fun. I am very grateful for all of that. I do hope maybe one day he’ll try therapy and work through his own issues. I think it would be good for him.


I am finally at peace with everything. 




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