The Educational Adventure of Online Dating.

 Since I’m in this whole “I’m on some new shit” kind of phase, I popped a gummy and thought I’d try something else new. Online dating. I lasted about 45 minutes on there. Talk about overwhelming. First of all, you have to answer 800 questions about yourself. They want to know everything. Height. Weight. Religion. Blood type. If you’re left handed or right handed. What time you were born. All sorts of crazy stuff. Then they want you to write a witty paragraph about yourself to draw people in with your personality. Then you have to upload six very specific pictures of yourself. Trying to pick those out was a nightmare. They want you to post pictures of you smiling, close up shots, far always shots, shots with friends and family, shots with pets. I have like two friends (one of which is my sister) and my dog died. I don’t know what they want from me. Plus, I look homeless 78% of the time. I would be catfishing people if I uploaded my selfies. Then they suggest you post a full body picture. So I can get judged on these thighs? Hard pass, but thanks for asking. Then you have to swipe through pictures of random men, who clearly single for a reason. I should start a business where I help men with their dating profiles. If you want a girlfriend, maybe don’t tell the internet you still live with your mother and enjoy cosplaying as 80’s cartoon characters in your downtime. I don’t know why they think some of those pictures make them look attractive. If you’re 300 pounds, do not hold your phone down to take selfies. Multiple chins are not a good look. And! There are couples on there!! Looking for a third!! No thank you, sir. I do not want hang out with you and your wife at your trailer with your matching rebel flag tattoos and not a full set of teeth between you. Then you have these guys who post pictures they stole from someone’s Facebook page. No man named Glenn or Jerry from backwoods West Virginia look like they just stepped out of a Gucci campaign. You can’t fool me. Lots of old men too. None of them looked rich, so I swiped left. Then they show that you have 52 likes, but you have to pay to see who the people are. Such a scam. Overall, I do not recommend, unless you enjoy panic attacks and perverts. 

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