Unresolved Trauma.

 I had a nightmare a few nights ago about some old, unresolved trauma. Something I have not thought about in years. But it's definitely something I need to work through. I pushed it to the back of my mind, and haven't told anyone about it since I told my parents. This is a shortned version, and I will not be going into all the details...

When I was 16, I had a weekly babysitting job. I spent 2 evenings a week with the cutest 5 year old girl while her parents went to the gym or out to dinner. Her neighbor was one of my fifth grade teachers. He lived right next door with his wife and two little kids. During the summer, she and I would spend evenings in the pool. He would come out and talk to us, I didn't think much of it. One day, he asked to take our picture with his new camera. I thought that was weird, but we smiled for a picture and went on about our evening. This happened a few more times this summer. He had asked if I'd pose for a picture alone. I said no. I remember it making me feel awkward enough to no longer wear a bikini in the pool, strictly my old lady one piece I had for church camp after that. He finally stopped asking for pictures. But one day, he asked if I could watch his kids one night while he and his wife went out. I agreed. I didn't have my own car at that time. After watching his kids, he drove me home. He pulled over at the gas station near my house. He asked to take my picture again, and then asked for a hug. I thought all that was super strange, but I didn't say anything to anyone. The last straw was when he asked me to come speak to his fifth grade class, a class my little sister was in. I spent the day there, he bought me lunch, he asked to take pictures and drive me home again. I said no. Something just didn't feel right. Looking back on everything now, I was being groomed. I got myself out of that situation before something was able to happen to me. About 10 years after all this, he was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old. A few more girls came forward after that and said he did the same thing to them. I'm not sure how many girls there were in total, but I was thankful to not be one of them. I finally broke down and told my parents, after living with this secret for so long. I was embarrassed. I am still embarrassed. Now knowing what grooming is, and reading articles about girls who have been raped or trafficked, I dodged a huge bullet back then. I am thankful I followed my gut and didn't let things go any further. It feels good to get this dark secret off my chest. I am finally letting it go, and allowing myself to heal from it. 

I don’t have a great track record with men. I’ve felt overly sexualized my whole life. Always being told how pretty I was as a child. I was a cheerleader my whole life, so guys were always making comments about my short skirts. Things like that. Then I became an adult, I ended up getting raped by someone I trusted. I've been abused by men; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had men trying to change me. Telling I should be blonde, or lose a few pounds, or cover myself in tattoos/piercings, or let them watch me do sexual things with others. When I’d say no, they’d message my “friends” and ask them for pictures or videos. I was told they cheated on me because I wasn’t sexy enough. Although I’ve spent lots of time in therapy, but I am still working on opening up and trusting men again. I always assume the worst and push them away. However, I do feel so much better getting this off my chest.