Food Allergies and Fabulousness.

 I am so glad today is my Friday. It's been such a long week. Working the walk-in this summer is really taking a toll on me. I've also had a lot on my mind lately. I'm not sure if I actual miss my ex, or just miss what I thought he was. Either way, I don't want him back. I really just want my stuff back so I can block his number and move on with my life. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but he has a $200 hair dryer of mine, and all the alcohol I bought on the world's worst vaction. I also pissed because he and I planted potatoes, and I don't get any. I really wish I could get the past two years of my life back, and ruin things differently the next time around. Maybe instead of dating these mediocre middle aged men, I'd just get a sugar daddy. I just want to be done dating for awhile. Maybe I'll spend the rest of this year single, and start fresh in 2024. I really like this last guy I've been seeing, but I'm not mentally all in right now. I nee...

 For what ever reason, I’ve spent the morning reflecting on my past relationships and my past actions. Apparently, I was either been color blind or stupid. I would just seem to ignore those red flags. Being a nurse made me feel like I could fix people. I also always thought I’m worth changing for, and men would want to change for me. Delusional. People don’t change unless they want to change. I stuck around way to long too many times. The last guy locked me out a hotel room. Twice. Almost exactly one year apart. And I stuck around after the first time and cried over him? Why?! Clearly he wasn’t what I needed in my life. He wasn’t good for me. I stayed with my ex husband after he abused me and cheated on me multiple times. I would beg men to not leave me. I would beg for time and attention. I would be happy with the bare minimum from men. It’s all laughable now. I’m so glad I’ve changed. I used to really want to find love. I thought a man would complete me and make me happy. Again, ...

 My girl Sierra killed it today! I finally took a little time to pamper myself. We started the process of lightening my hair, I can’t wait until the next appointment!! Definitely worth the 3 hours and all the money I spent!! 

  Odin decided to play football. This will be his first year. I am a football fanatic, but never wanted to push it on him. I was so excited when we asked if he could try it for his 8th grade year. He’s been going to summer workouts and camps. He’s loving it. I’ve been absolutely ecstatic, until this morning. It hit me. He’s going to take the field for his first game. Fully dressed. Under the lights. He’s going to line up. The ball will get snapped. He’ll make his first tackle. His name will be announced though the stadium. Everyone will cheer. And my dad won’t be there to see it.  I ugly cried this morning. I thought I’d been through all the firsts without dad and Jo. This is one I never thought would happen. He never wanted to play. But anyone who knows me, knows my love for the game. Football was the glue to my relationship with my dad. He had me running routes when I was 3 years old. I know the refs signals. I can tell you where most NFL players went to college. I watch the...

 Do you ever randomly hear a song and it hits you like a truck? That just happened to me. Leave it to Taylor Swift to hurt my feelings.  I’ve heard this song a million times. I know the words. But for some reason, the lyrics really got me today. ‘ Exile ’  is a song that was written about miscommunications in relationships, and in the case of this song, I imagined that the miscommunications ended the relationship. They led to the demise of this love affair, and now these two people are seeing each other out for the first time, and they keep miscommunicating with each other. They can’t quite get on the same page, they never were able to. And even in their end, even after they’ve broken up, they’re still not hearing each other. So imagine the beginning would be his side of the story, the second verse her side of the story, and the end would be the story of them talking over each other and not hearing each other. It really does seem to be about the tragedy of two people, of ...

 I believe those people who come into our lives and make a big impact, write their own chapters in our stories. As one chapter finished over a month ago, a new chapter is writing itself. There’s no bullshit. I’m told exactly like it is. Tall. Handsome. Italian. Hilarious. And the best head of hair I’ve seen on a man in a long time. He’s a breath of fresh air. This may not go anywhere, but I’m not focusing on that. Just letting it be and take the path it’s supposed to. He’s already shown me so many new things. He teaches me things. Nothing feels forced. Plus, he constantly tells me how gorgeous I am. Whether I’m in full glam, scrubs, or sweats & no makeup. He encourages me to be myself. Only time will tell if this is going to be a long chapter or a short one, but I know it will definitely be an impactful one. 

 Spent this past weekend in Pittsburgh. Spent some time with my sister, went shopping, saw Ed Sheeran in concert, and passed a kidney stone. I was able to really relax. For the first time in forever, I felt like myself. I wore what I wanted. I drank as much as I wanted. I ate what I wanted (within reason). We danced the whole concert, even though everyone around us was sitting down. My sister and I laughed til we cried. We sang at the top of our lungs and lost our voices. We complimented strangers, and tried to make everyone around us feel a little more positive. It was so nice to let loose and let go of all the negativity that’s been holding me down lately. I’ve felt so good ever since. I used to be so fun loving and goofy. I guess I let the past few years drag me down. I can really feel a new chapter in my life starting, and I am so excited to see what happens next! 

 I had a nightmare a few nights ago about some old, unresolved trauma. Something I have not thought about in years. But it's definitely something I need to work through. I pushed it to the back of my mind, and haven't told anyone about it since I told my parents. This is a shortned version, and I will not be going into all the details... When I was 16, I had a weekly babysitting job. I spent 2 evenings a week with the cutest 5 year old girl while her parents went to the gym or out to dinner. Her neighbor was one of my fifth grade teachers. He lived right next door with his wife and two little kids. During the summer, she and I would spend evenings in the pool. He would come out and talk to us, I didn't think much of it. One day, he asked to take our picture with his new camera. I thought that was weird, but we smiled for a picture and went on about our evening. This happened a few more times this summer. He had asked if I'd pose for a picture alone. I said no. I remembe...

 I had my first phone call with the boudior studio tonight. Looks like we’ll be doing my shoot in November, so I’ll have the pictures back in time for my 40th birthday. I’m really excited! I have 2 video calls scheduled with them before my shoot. I have to pick out my set design, outfits, a hairstyle, and a makeup look. They will give me feedback during my calls. This will also give me a chance to get to know the team, so I’m comfortable with them. They’re really big on empowering women and bringing out your inner goddess. They also do empowerment classes, dance classes, and fitness classes. I’m so excited to move forward and start my journey of bringing my sexy back. 

How to stop caring what people think of you, such a causal topic for a breezy Wednesday afternoon. To completely change how you have spent your whole life thinking isn’t easy, we are programmed to want to help, to be considerate and to gain validation from others. To stop caring what people think of you is to go against years of evolutionary training and social upbringing. Why do we care about what others think? There are many reasons we care about what people think of us but, I am going to start with the basics: Biology. We are programmed to seek validation, approval and inclusion into our tribes. It is a survival instinct. Humans are pack animals, we hunt and live together for survival. So back in our caveman days, keeping in with the tribe was important because if the tribe rejects you, you are thrown out into the wilderness to face the elements and soon after, death. But as our societies progressed to be more complex and our tribes to be much larger with better communication sk...

You are not bitter. It's hard to go through a breakup and not have feelings of anger or disappointment. We throw ourselves into someone, give them so much, and usually don't see things ending. When they do, it's hard not to hold a grudge. But we can't stay stuck in the past. We can't be jealous when they move on. We have to acknowledge the good things that happened during the relationship, and move on.  You are not rebounding. A healed person is fine standing on their own. The best way to get over someone, isn't to get under someone else. You have to be ok with being on your own. It's not fair to drag someone else into your life just beacuse you don't want to be alone. That's not fair to the other person. Your feelings are not the only ones that matter.  You have a balanced perspective. When you've healed, the tunnel vision goes away. You stop seeing things they way your damaged mind wants you to see them. You can see things for what they are bec...